Explaining my Dour Nature

Even my siblings will admit that my dark spin on the world stems from my dearly departed mother, Elvira Grimley.  Truly, if anyone is to blame, it is she.  It is her.  (Well, one of those....)

BILL

Frankly, I'm flattered

Caroline Kennedy, having expressed interest in the soon-to-be-vacated Senate seat of Hillary Clinton, announced today that it was the example of President-Wannabe William P. that inspired her.

Edwin and I were talking it over while I was polishing a bust of Daddy and he said:  “Sweet Caroline – by the way Neil Diamond wrote that song for me, you know - look at that Bill fella.  I hear he’s got nothing but rocks in his head, and yet he’s President-Wannabe.  Good God, sweetie, you’re a Kennedy!”

“You’re right,” I said.  “And I’m twenty years older than Uncle Teddy was when he joined the Senate.”

“A better driver, too.”

BILL

Ever Notice...

… you never see the Dalai Lama and Paul Shaffer from “Late Night With David Letterman” at the same time?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm……

BILL

I Just Learned Shania Twain Separated From Her Husband

My new address, effective tomorrow, is:

815 Buckskin Road

Trailer 12

Nashville, TV  37208

(615) 555-1212  (Please Note: This is  party line.)

Compliment or Complement???

I’ve been told by many that I am as handsome a man as Kate Beckensale is a woman.  (Not Kate Beckinsale, lovely actress of “Pearl Harbor” fame, but Kate Beckensale down the street.  “Big Kate,” as the street urchins taunt her.)

BILL

To Help Ensure a Smooth Transition Until Inauguration Day...

… I am pleased to announce the formulation of The Office of the President-Wannabe, an office that I myself shall occupy effective Monday, December 8, 2008.  This move is inspired in large part by Barack Obama, current occupant of The Office of the President-Elect. 

Please address all concerns to this office specifically and I shall grant them my due consideration, per the powers vested in me by the Constitution.

Thank you.

BILL

Ow!!!!

That’s the third time this week I’ve tripped over our infrastructure…

Kids Today, God Love 'Em!

They just don’t seem to “get” that adults my age can be as hip as they perceive themselves to be.  The polite though exuberant debate went on for quite some time before the hour grew late and I told them I had to get home to listen to my Neil Sedaka records.

What I Learned While Watching The Grammys... (CLASSIFIED)

A game show set.  Three contestant stands, answer buzzers affixed.  Gleaming lights reign above them in marquee fashion: “WHEN IS BEYONCE NOT HOT?!”

Music.  Wild applause from the studio audience.  Three contestants run out onto the set, each taking a place behind a stand.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER (Off-screen, a seductive voice):  Welcome to the hottest show in the land: When Is Beyonce Not Hot?!  And now your host, formerly of ABC and now the master of the ABCs of all things Beyonce: Ted Koppel!!

The studio audience goes wild!

Game show host TED KOPPEL jogs onto the set in subdued Koppel-esque fashion.  (Yes, THAT Ted Koppel…)

KOPPEL:  Thank you, Latisha, and welcome everybody to When Is Beyonce Not Hot?!  The game show that asks the question: When Is Pop Diva Beyonce Knowles Not Hot?! 

Koppel strides over to the contestant stands, mike in hand.  From right to left, ANGIE, mid-30’s, plain as can be.  Horn-rimmed glasses dominate a vanilla face.  HERB, obese mid-30’s, a somewhat ineptly dressed construction worker.  EMMETT: the very definition of studious, ill-fitting suit, slight tics, an awkward haircut.

KOPPEL:  Contestants, welcome again.  Our returning champion, Angie Malteas from Glendale, California has amassed $48,750 dollars, though she did trip up on our last show when she answered incorrectly to the question “Is Beyonce hot when doing removing something caught in the garbage disposal?”  Angie, you said no.  The answer we were looking for, of course, is yes, Beyonce is indeed hot when removing an obstruction from the garbage disposal.  Today’s new contestants are Herb Tildon of Scottsdale, Arizona.  Herb, tell us a little something about yourself.

HERB:  Hi, Ted.  Herb Tildon.  I work road construction in Arizona for Delaney Pavement.  I’m married and have two little girls at home, Beyonce, 3, and Kelly, 5.

KOPPEL:  The latter named after Kelly Rowland of Destiny’s Child I’m assuming?

HERB:  (A bashful smile)   That’s right, Ted.  You got me.

KOPPEL:  I thought so.  Well, welcome Herb and good luck to you.  Road construction in Arizona.  Must get pretty hot in the summer I would imagine.

HERB:  Not as hot as Beyonce, Ted.

KOPPEL:  Good one, Herb.  Good one.  And we have our third contestant, Emmett Terdalian of Houston, Texas.  

Koppel turns to the other two contestants, a quizzical look riding his face.

HERB and ANGIE (both at once):  Beyonce’s hometown!

KOPPEL:  That’s right, Beyonce Knowles was born in Houston.  Well, welcome contestants all.  You know how our game is played.  You answer each question one of two ways: Beyonce is either hot or she is not.  Yes, it’s that simple.  Angie, from last time, you still control the board.  Our categories today are:

A massive Jeopardy style board swings front and center, dollar amounts covering each question.

KOPPEL:   Home-Cooking, Sports, Cloud Formations, Flowers, and, finally, Things You Do With a Putty Knife.  Angie, pick your category.

ANGIE:  I’ll take Things You Do With a Putty Knife, Ted.

KOPPEL:  OK, these questions ask, not surprisingly, would Beyonce look hot while performing an action with a putty knife?  Here’s our first question.  For $200.  Would Beyonce look hot while scraping paint from an outhouse wall?

All three buzzers go off nearly at once.  Herb’s name lights up.

KOPPEL:  Herb. 

HERB:  I’ve scraped tar before, especially on blazing hot summer days.  I definitely did not look hot while doing it.  I’m going to say, Beyonce would NOT look hot while scraping paint from an outhouse wall.

A noisome buzzer blares.  Clearly the wrong answer.

KOPPEL:  No, I’m sorry, Herb.  The answer is yes: Beyonce would look hot while scraping paint from an outhouse wall.

ANGIE: (under her breath)  Idiot….  How could he get that wrong?

KOPPEL:  How indeed, Angie?  How indeed?  Angie, you still control the board.  Pick a category.

ANGIE:  I’ll take Cloud Formations, Ted.

KOPPEL:  OK, these are questions that ask whether or not Beyonce would look hot under a particular type of cloud formation.  The first question, for $200:  How would Beyonce look standing beneath a cumulus cloud formation?

All three buzzers go off nearly at once.  Emmett’s name lights up.

KOPPEL:  Emmett.

EMMETT:  She would look hot.

An upbeat series of rapid bells chime in, clearly signaling a correct answer.

KOPPEL:  That is right.  Beyonce would look hot standing beneath a bed of cumulus clouds.  Emmett, the board is yours.  Pick your category.

EMMETT:  We’ll stick with clouds, Ted.

KOPPEL:  All right.  Here’s the question.  For $500, would Beyonce look hot staring up at a late afternoon formation of cirrus clouds?

All three buzzers go off nearly at once.  Emmett’s name lights up.

KOPPEL:  Emmett?

EMMETT:  When I think cirrus clouds, I think wispy.  When I think wispy, I think diaphanous.  When I think diaphanous, I think thin clothing.  And when I think of thin clothing, I think Beyonce.  Yes, Ted, she would definitely look hot staring up at a late afternoon formation of cirrus clouds.

The rapid bells fire off.  Another correct answer.

KOPPEL:  Correct again.  Emmett the board is yours.

EMMETT:  Let’s go with Flowers, shall we?

KOPPEL:  All right, for $200, how would Beyonce look when using her BlackBerry to order a bouquet of roses for someone?

All three buzzers go off nearly at once.  Angie’s name lights up.

KOPPEL:  Angie?

ANGIE:  She would look hot!

The rapid bells fire off.  Another correct answer.

KOPPEL:  Right you are!  The board is yours.

ANGIE:  I’ll stay with Flowers.

A loud siren blares out.  The crowd cheers.

KOPPEL:  Freeze out!!

Herb and Emmett show obvious disappointment.

KOPPEL:  For those new to the game, a freeze out means that for the duration of the category, our new contestants are not allowed to answer any of the questions put forth.  They can only be answered by Angie.  Angie, are your ready?

ANGIE:  Yes, Ted.

KOPPEL:  How would Beyonce look when arranging a vase full of –

ANGIE: (interrupting)  She would look hot.

KOPPEL:  Let me finish the question, please.  Arranging a vase full of petunias?

ANGIE:  She would look hot.

KOPPEL:  A vase full of daises.

ANGIE:  She would look hot.

KOPPEL:  Daffodils?

ANGIE:  She would look hot.

KOPPEL:  Orchids?

ANGIE:  Hot.

KOPPEL:  White… oleanders?

ANGIE:  Hot!

KOPPEL:  Tulips?

ANGIE:  Hot!

KOPPEL:  Siberian Irises?

ANGIE:  Is that a flower?

KOPPEL:  Yes it is.

ANGIE:  She would look hot.

The bells rings.  Crowd cheers. 

KOPPEL:  Angie, you’ve run the table on Flowers.  You now have the chance to spin the wheel, please, for your category during our lightning round.

Angie grabs the large wheel and spins away.  The crowd’s cheering intensifies, the needle finally coming to a slow halt on “Automotive Repair.”

KOPPEL:  Automotive repair!  Angie, these are things Beyonce might do wherein she would either look hot… or not.  Here we go, thirty seconds.  Please start the clock at the end of my first question.  Angie, how would Beyonce look while… changing out a spark plug?

ANGIE:  Hot!

The bell sounds with each correct answer.

KOPPEL:  Draining a radiator?

ANGIE:  Hot!

KOPPEL:  Adjusting a carburetor?

ANGIE:  Hot!

KOPPEL:  Removing a lug-nut prior to changing a tire?

ANGIE:  Hot!

KOPPEL:  Recalibrating a fuel gauge?

ANGIE:  Hot!

KOPPEL:  Adding brake fluid?

ANGIE:  Hot!

KOPPEL:  Realigning the front chassis?

ANGIE:  Hot!

KOPPEL:  Rewiring the alternator?

ANGIE:  Hot!

KOPPEL:  Adjusting the drive train assembly?

ANGIE:  Hot!

KOPPEL:  Replacing the fuel injector?

ANGIE:  Hot!

KOPPEL:  Changing out the power steering hose?

ANGIE:  Hot!

KOPPEL:  Replacing the catalytic converter?

ANGIE:  Hot!

The bells fire off in rapid fashion.  Ending the round.  The crowd cheers.

KOPPEL:  Angie, you did it, you got every single one of them.  Now, however, in the interest of keeping the game close, we must toss our next question out to Herb and Emmett.  And, I must say, it is a tough one.  Gentlemen, for $750, how does Beyonce look when… doing her taxes?

Both buzzers fire.  Herb’s name lights up.

KOPPEL:  Herb?

HERB:  Well, let’s see…

The crowd begins to shout out “Hot!” “Not Hot!”, both replies blurring into a vast, indistinguishable roar.

HERB:  Ted, when I do my taxes, there is an almost indescribable look of enduring frustration and even anger on my face.  I’m going to have to say, that, when she does her taxes, Beyonce looks… not hot.

A buzzer fires and a groan erupts from the studio audience.

KOPPEL:  Herb, I’m sorry, that is incorrect.  The answer we were looking for was Beyonce, even while doing her taxes, looks hot!  Emmett, the next question – and I should remind our studio audience – that all of our questions fall in random order, how does Beyonce look while wearing nothing but pump high heels, a smile, and a gleaming head-to-toe layer of baby oil?

EMMETT:  (an obvious grin) She looks HOT, Ted!

KOPPEL:  That she does, Emmett.  Bit of  a softball we lobbed your way, no?

EMMETT:  I’ll say.

(I could go on, but, well… you get the point….)

The Dirty Dozen Sixteen

Like many, I have mixed feelings re the posting of the Ten Commandments in a public domain.  Like all men, however, I feel strongly that the sixteen line operational count-off from the film “The Dirty Dozen” SHOULD be posted in every men’s room stall.  Allow me to refresh your memory:

One: down to the road block, we've just begun.

Two: the guards are through.

Three: the Major's men are on a spree.

Four: Major and Wladislaw go through the door.

Five: Pinkley stays out in the drive.

Six: the Major gives the rope a fix.

Seven: Wladislaw throws the hook to heaven.

Eight: Jiménez has got a date.

Nine: The other guys go up the line.

Ten: Sawyer and Gilpin are in the pen.

Eleven: Posey guards points five and seven.

Twelve: Wladislaw and the Major go down to delve.

Thirteen: Franko goes up without being seen.

Fourteen: Zero-hour, Jiménez cuts the cable, Franko cuts the phone.

Fifteen: Franko goes in where the others have been.

Sixteen: we all come out like it's Halloween!

BILL

Legal Jargon Explained

My attorney informs me that this is called the “I’m an Idiot Defense.”  

When I am President...

When a public official whines that an investigation is "politically motivated," it should be considered the legal equivalent of declaring "Guilty, Your Honor."  If they were not guilty, they would be absolutely thrilled at the news of the investigation, knowing nothing whatsoever incriminating will be found -- since they have committed no crime -- and they could look forward to their opponent's politically-weakened crow-eating display.

Quote I wish I coined...

Our lives are not defined by our experiences, but by the heart that receives them.