A Merry Christmas Gift to a Bill

Selected e-mails from a good friend who adds spice in our Inbox with his e-mails of his own anecdotes, humor and political views ...

Enjoy a selected, collection of your briliant 1 line to several lines of amusing remarks.

THE DAILY BILL:  "laugther and a minute break a day...keeps the wrinkles away!"

Keeps us young like you!

"And For You, Sir?"

Talk about Camelot all you want but - good Democrat though I may be - I am incensed  that John Kennedy demoted former President Harry S. Truman to a mere waiter at his inaugural soiree.   BILL

This is Why White House Press Secretary is SUCH a Challenging Job

Obama Accepts Transparency Award In Private

WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama accepted an award for making the government more open and transparent – presented to him behind closed doors with no media coverage or public access allowed.

John Wooden's "Pyramid of Success"

I have to admit; I was truly surprised to see “Steady High” on this pyramid.   BILL

Say What You Will About North Korea's Kim Jong-il...

… the dude was funny as hell in “The Hangover.”

BILL

I Used To Work For Mrs. Fields

She fired me as head of marketing for this campaign:

“Ginger Snaps!  Movie Star Slays Six in Bloody Island Rampage”

BILL

Try This Some Time

Next time someone says “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” step up and say “That would be me.”  This little gem has gotten me belly laughs at every stoning I have ever attended.

BILL

"No Drama" Obama

When he stated that we’ve asked Iran to return our felled surveillance drone, he proved himself quite the comedian.  The press corps should have broken into laughter and said:  “Good one, Mr. President.  Good one!!”

BILL

I Want My MTV! (And a Lot of Other Stuff!!)

Can anyone pinpoint when exactly – per the Declaration of Independence – our inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness was misconstrued by far too many as an inalienable right to happiness per se?

BILL

The Man With No Feet: A Christmas Story

This holiday season, I recall how once – mired in the self-absorbed petulance of youth – I complained about the quality of my new sneakers.   Just then, I spotted a man in a wheelchair, the stubs of his lower legs jutting prominently from the rust-adorned contraption from which he could never escape.

“Excuse me, sir,” I asked. “Am I crazy or are these the sorriest shoes you ever laid eyes on?”

“My man,” he said, his caustic laughter causing me to blush, “those are some sorry ass shoes!”

BILL

Confucius say:

“Man who down too many six packs loses six pack.”

BILL

The Kardashian Girls Are Now Published Novelists

Please let me know if I owe you any money, as I’ll  be shooting myself Friday.  Kidding!!! 

(This does, however, shed light on the stream up which I am swimming.)

BILL

It's The Simple Things In Life I Enjoy

I think this is why so many people tell me: “God, you’re a simpleton.”

BILL

The Whisper Game, A Childhood Memory

In second grade, we whispered a phrase from student to student to see how it would change from beginning to end.  Chas Marwick whispered into my ear: “The giraffe was eating leaves from the top of the tree.”

I then whispered into Kimberly Johnson’s ear:  “I am so in love with you.”

By the time it got to the end, the phrase was: “Crazy Billy Bekkala says he’s in love with me.”

BILL

Well, Herman Cain, You're Right About One Thing:

If you can’t get the job you’re looking for, it’s your fault.

BILL

A Veterans Day Memory

Many of you don’t know this but I lost my Grandpa Willie at Normandy.  The senile old coot was staggering about the crosses and soon enough got himself so disoriented I lost him.  Me?  I was pretty hammered at the time so I guess it was as much my fault as his.  Story has a happy ending though.  With the help of a surprisingly helpful and very pretty young French woman I eventually found him.  An hour after she left though I noticed my wallet was gone.  Oh well.  Viva La France….

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort to Spend Eternity in Hell

I think it would be altogether fitting if “Smokin’ Joe” Frazier were cremated.

BILL

1964: Picking My Nails & Talking (Nothing's Changed....)

Insert Andy Rooney Voice Here:

“Did you ever notice how Jerry Seinfeld’s entire routine sounds like he’s ripping me off?”

BILL

(Seriously, Rooney will announce on this Sunday's "60 Minutes" that it will be his last appearance on the broadcast on which he has been featured since 1978.)

Is This My Lucky Day or What?!

A lady at work brought in some homemade banana bread.  Seconds after she peeled away the cellophane, I dove in.  As I brought a slice to my lips I realized that it was, in fact, two slices stuck together.  Having touched both, good manners dictated neither be returned.

“Look.  I meant to take one, but got two accidentally,” I said, taking a generous bite.

“Yeah, right.  Tell us about it, Pinocchio,” she replied.

My mouth full, I burst out laughing, spraying the entire plate of banana bread with a fine mist of saliva-caked crumbs, obligating me to seize all of the remaining slices for my personal consumption, to be savored over the course of what turned out to be a marvelous day.

BILL

I'm 90% sure...

… I heard the elevator lady say – when I went to 13 this morning  – “Going down… like your 401(k)…
 
BILL

Bill's New Work Hours

As a lifelong liberal, i.e. one bent on destroying America, the time has come for me to finally start cutting back on my hours.  As you can well imagine, bringing down a country, especially a lumbering behemoth like the USA, is a time-consuming endeavor, one fraught with endless weekend work and frequent sleep deprivation, the latter in particular having taken a nasty bite out of my usually chipper mood.  This being so, I will no longer be able to help any of my friends or family move.

Sorry for any inconvenience and thank you for understanding.

BILL

It Was BOUND to Happen!!!

Already, some of my married friends have filed for divorce in the last couple days, their once solid matrimonial pairing crumbling beneath the sheer, colossus-like weight of New York’s recent approval of same sex marriage.  How many more heterosexual unions must be torn asunder before we rightfully defend traditional marriage against such relentless attacks?  To the ramparts, friends!!!

BILL

RE: My Weiner Whine

(Let’s face it; I’m ahead of my time…    BILL)

NEWS ITEM:  A former porn actress who said she exchanged emails and messages over Twitter with New York Rep. Anthony Weiner said Wednesday that he asked her to lie about their online communications.

Ginger Lee said she and Weiner exchanged about 100 emails between March and June, beginning after Lee posted a supportive statement about the congressman on her blog. She said they mostly discussed politics, but he would often turn the conversation to sex.

"'I have wardrobe demands too. I need to highlight my package,'" Weiner wrote Lee, in an email read aloud at the news conference by Lee's attorney, Gloria Allred.

From: Bekkala, Bill
Sent: Tuesday, June 07, 2011 2:21 PM
Subject: My Weiner Whine
Importance: Low

I have but one thing to say now that all the women who playfully sexted with Anthony Weiner for months are beginning to emerge from the shadows:  “You’re on Ms. Allred!”

BILL

I Trained To Be a Navy Seal

But I could never keep the ball bouncing on my nose.

BILL

Oh Sales Be Low Down

Due to the lackluster sales of my “The 9/11 Joke Book” from hereon in I will simply be giving these away.  They can be found on top of my desk beside my tip jar.

BILL

I'm Dating an S.I. Cover Model!!

Zelda and I are going out tonight to celebrate her photo shoot for Stupendously Insane magazine.
 
BILL

Oscar Minor Whine

A buddy of mine was working this year’s Oscars and he said they were going to have a brain storming session on how to keep the show from running long and did I have any suggestions.  I replied: “Get a 94 year old stroke survivor using a cane to present.”   Next thing I know, I’m watching Kirk Douglas! 

Dude, I was only joking!

BILL

Rebel Without an Upper Lip

Using the latest computer technology, scientists have determined that, if James Dean (1931 – 1955) were alive today, he would look exactly like this:

         I

 think we can all agree it’s better that he died.          BILL     

I Can Be So Crass

My ex-wife once asked me if the black pants she was wearing had a “slimming effect.” 

“Yes,” I replied, “but so would taking the turkey drumstick out of your hand.”

BILL