I Can Be So Crass

My ex-wife once asked me if the black pants she was wearing had a “slimming effect.” 

“Yes,” I replied, “but so would taking the turkey drumstick out of your hand.”

BILL

Much Like Global Warming Disputes...

… wherein some say the science is “not yet settled,” nor is it with regards to the earth being round, the Flat Earth Society still actively disputing the notion of the blue and green orb floating through space that we call home actually being an orb.  This being so, I believe – in fairness - we should henceforth cease using the word “globe” since this remains a viable point of contention.   Or, if I were employed by FOX News, I would assert that “this subject, upon which not everyone agrees, requires further study.”
 
BILL

Whenever I See Someone Drinking Pricey "Smart Water"

I ask them: “Why don’t you just drink water water and eat better?”  They then call me a “Smart A**.

BILL

Bill 1983 / Geico Caveman... Coincidence???

Governmental Corruption

I think it pretty obvious by now that, for some time, New York Governor David Paterson has been turning a blind eye to these kind of shenanigans.

BILL

My Runway Model Fiancee Has Perished

Struck and killed by an airplane.

BILL

We Get Letters...

“Dear Bill – I am wondering: are you as handsome as you are clever?”
 
Theresa from Santa Clara
 
 
Dear Theresa – Handsomer!!!  (Is that a word?  Well, it is now…)   In fact, I’m often told I’m as pretty as Michelle Kwan with a nose-job.
 
BILL