A Merry Christmas Gift to a Bill

Selected e-mails from a good friend who adds spice in our Inbox with his e-mails of his own anecdotes, humor and political views ...

Enjoy a selected, collection of your briliant 1 line to several lines of amusing remarks.

THE DAILY BILL:  "laugther and a minute break a day...keeps the wrinkles away!"

Keeps us young like you!

"And For You, Sir?"

Talk about Camelot all you want but - good Democrat though I may be - I am incensed  that John Kennedy demoted former President Harry S. Truman to a mere waiter at his inaugural soiree.   BILL

This is Why White House Press Secretary is SUCH a Challenging Job

Obama Accepts Transparency Award In Private

WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama accepted an award for making the government more open and transparent – presented to him behind closed doors with no media coverage or public access allowed.

John Wooden's "Pyramid of Success"

I have to admit; I was truly surprised to see “Steady High” on this pyramid.   BILL

Say What You Will About North Korea's Kim Jong-il...

… the dude was funny as hell in “The Hangover.”

BILL

I Used To Work For Mrs. Fields

She fired me as head of marketing for this campaign:

“Ginger Snaps!  Movie Star Slays Six in Bloody Island Rampage”

BILL

Try This Some Time

Next time someone says “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” step up and say “That would be me.”  This little gem has gotten me belly laughs at every stoning I have ever attended.

BILL

"No Drama" Obama

When he stated that we’ve asked Iran to return our felled surveillance drone, he proved himself quite the comedian.  The press corps should have broken into laughter and said:  “Good one, Mr. President.  Good one!!”

BILL

I Want My MTV! (And a Lot of Other Stuff!!)

Can anyone pinpoint when exactly – per the Declaration of Independence – our inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness was misconstrued by far too many as an inalienable right to happiness per se?

BILL

The Man With No Feet: A Christmas Story

This holiday season, I recall how once – mired in the self-absorbed petulance of youth – I complained about the quality of my new sneakers.   Just then, I spotted a man in a wheelchair, the stubs of his lower legs jutting prominently from the rust-adorned contraption from which he could never escape.

“Excuse me, sir,” I asked. “Am I crazy or are these the sorriest shoes you ever laid eyes on?”

“My man,” he said, his caustic laughter causing me to blush, “those are some sorry ass shoes!”

BILL

Confucius say:

“Man who down too many six packs loses six pack.”

BILL

The Kardashian Girls Are Now Published Novelists

Please let me know if I owe you any money, as I’ll  be shooting myself Friday.  Kidding!!! 

(This does, however, shed light on the stream up which I am swimming.)

BILL

It's The Simple Things In Life I Enjoy

I think this is why so many people tell me: “God, you’re a simpleton.”

BILL

The Whisper Game, A Childhood Memory

In second grade, we whispered a phrase from student to student to see how it would change from beginning to end.  Chas Marwick whispered into my ear: “The giraffe was eating leaves from the top of the tree.”

I then whispered into Kimberly Johnson’s ear:  “I am so in love with you.”

By the time it got to the end, the phrase was: “Crazy Billy Bekkala says he’s in love with me.”

BILL

Well, Herman Cain, You're Right About One Thing:

If you can’t get the job you’re looking for, it’s your fault.

BILL

A Veterans Day Memory

Many of you don’t know this but I lost my Grandpa Willie at Normandy.  The senile old coot was staggering about the crosses and soon enough got himself so disoriented I lost him.  Me?  I was pretty hammered at the time so I guess it was as much my fault as his.  Story has a happy ending though.  With the help of a surprisingly helpful and very pretty young French woman I eventually found him.  An hour after she left though I noticed my wallet was gone.  Oh well.  Viva La France….

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort to Spend Eternity in Hell

I think it would be altogether fitting if “Smokin’ Joe” Frazier were cremated.

BILL

1964: Picking My Nails & Talking (Nothing's Changed....)

Insert Andy Rooney Voice Here:

“Did you ever notice how Jerry Seinfeld’s entire routine sounds like he’s ripping me off?”

BILL

(Seriously, Rooney will announce on this Sunday's "60 Minutes" that it will be his last appearance on the broadcast on which he has been featured since 1978.)

Is This My Lucky Day or What?!

A lady at work brought in some homemade banana bread.  Seconds after she peeled away the cellophane, I dove in.  As I brought a slice to my lips I realized that it was, in fact, two slices stuck together.  Having touched both, good manners dictated neither be returned.

“Look.  I meant to take one, but got two accidentally,” I said, taking a generous bite.

“Yeah, right.  Tell us about it, Pinocchio,” she replied.

My mouth full, I burst out laughing, spraying the entire plate of banana bread with a fine mist of saliva-caked crumbs, obligating me to seize all of the remaining slices for my personal consumption, to be savored over the course of what turned out to be a marvelous day.

BILL