Is This My Lucky Day or What?!

A lady at work brought in some homemade banana bread.  Seconds after she peeled away the cellophane, I dove in.  As I brought a slice to my lips I realized that it was, in fact, two slices stuck together.  Having touched both, good manners dictated neither be returned.

“Look.  I meant to take one, but got two accidentally,” I said, taking a generous bite.

“Yeah, right.  Tell us about it, Pinocchio,” she replied.

My mouth full, I burst out laughing, spraying the entire plate of banana bread with a fine mist of saliva-caked crumbs, obligating me to seize all of the remaining slices for my personal consumption, to be savored over the course of what turned out to be a marvelous day.

BILL

I'm 90% sure...

… I heard the elevator lady say – when I went to 13 this morning  – “Going down… like your 401(k)…
 
BILL

Bill's New Work Hours

As a lifelong liberal, i.e. one bent on destroying America, the time has come for me to finally start cutting back on my hours.  As you can well imagine, bringing down a country, especially a lumbering behemoth like the USA, is a time-consuming endeavor, one fraught with endless weekend work and frequent sleep deprivation, the latter in particular having taken a nasty bite out of my usually chipper mood.  This being so, I will no longer be able to help any of my friends or family move.

Sorry for any inconvenience and thank you for understanding.

BILL

It Was BOUND to Happen!!!

Already, some of my married friends have filed for divorce in the last couple days, their once solid matrimonial pairing crumbling beneath the sheer, colossus-like weight of New York’s recent approval of same sex marriage.  How many more heterosexual unions must be torn asunder before we rightfully defend traditional marriage against such relentless attacks?  To the ramparts, friends!!!

BILL

RE: My Weiner Whine

(Let’s face it; I’m ahead of my time…    BILL)

NEWS ITEM:  A former porn actress who said she exchanged emails and messages over Twitter with New York Rep. Anthony Weiner said Wednesday that he asked her to lie about their online communications.

Ginger Lee said she and Weiner exchanged about 100 emails between March and June, beginning after Lee posted a supportive statement about the congressman on her blog. She said they mostly discussed politics, but he would often turn the conversation to sex.

"'I have wardrobe demands too. I need to highlight my package,'" Weiner wrote Lee, in an email read aloud at the news conference by Lee's attorney, Gloria Allred.

From: Bekkala, Bill
Sent: Tuesday, June 07, 2011 2:21 PM
Subject: My Weiner Whine
Importance: Low

I have but one thing to say now that all the women who playfully sexted with Anthony Weiner for months are beginning to emerge from the shadows:  “You’re on Ms. Allred!”

BILL

I Trained To Be a Navy Seal

But I could never keep the ball bouncing on my nose.

BILL

Oh Sales Be Low Down

Due to the lackluster sales of my “The 9/11 Joke Book” from hereon in I will simply be giving these away.  They can be found on top of my desk beside my tip jar.

BILL