A Veterans Day Memory

Many of you don’t know this but I lost my Grandpa Willie at Normandy.  The senile old coot was staggering about the crosses and soon enough got himself so disoriented I lost him.  Me?  I was pretty hammered at the time so I guess it was as much my fault as his.  Story has a happy ending though.  With the help of a surprisingly helpful and very pretty young French woman I eventually found him.  An hour after she left though I noticed my wallet was gone.  Oh well.  Viva La France….

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort to Spend Eternity in Hell

I think it would be altogether fitting if “Smokin’ Joe” Frazier were cremated.

BILL

1964: Picking My Nails & Talking (Nothing's Changed....)

Insert Andy Rooney Voice Here:

“Did you ever notice how Jerry Seinfeld’s entire routine sounds like he’s ripping me off?”

BILL

(Seriously, Rooney will announce on this Sunday's "60 Minutes" that it will be his last appearance on the broadcast on which he has been featured since 1978.)

Is This My Lucky Day or What?!

A lady at work brought in some homemade banana bread.  Seconds after she peeled away the cellophane, I dove in.  As I brought a slice to my lips I realized that it was, in fact, two slices stuck together.  Having touched both, good manners dictated neither be returned.

“Look.  I meant to take one, but got two accidentally,” I said, taking a generous bite.

“Yeah, right.  Tell us about it, Pinocchio,” she replied.

My mouth full, I burst out laughing, spraying the entire plate of banana bread with a fine mist of saliva-caked crumbs, obligating me to seize all of the remaining slices for my personal consumption, to be savored over the course of what turned out to be a marvelous day.

BILL

I'm 90% sure...

… I heard the elevator lady say – when I went to 13 this morning  – “Going down… like your 401(k)…
 
BILL

Bill's New Work Hours

As a lifelong liberal, i.e. one bent on destroying America, the time has come for me to finally start cutting back on my hours.  As you can well imagine, bringing down a country, especially a lumbering behemoth like the USA, is a time-consuming endeavor, one fraught with endless weekend work and frequent sleep deprivation, the latter in particular having taken a nasty bite out of my usually chipper mood.  This being so, I will no longer be able to help any of my friends or family move.

Sorry for any inconvenience and thank you for understanding.

BILL