“Dear Bill – I am wondering: are you as handsome as you are clever?”
Theresa from Santa Clara
Dear Theresa – Handsomer!!! (Is that a word? Well, it is now…) In fact, I’m often told I’m as pretty as Michelle Kwan with a nose-job.
BILL
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Maybe I'm Missing Something Here
But having seduced the federal government into handing over 170-billion tax-payer dollars into company coffers, has there ever been a group of executives more deserving of company bonuses than those clever rascals at A.I.G.?
BILL
BILL
Various Peaks of Laziness I Have PERSONALLY Scale
In the film “The Big Lebowski,” Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski (in a time-capsule performance by Jeff Bridges) is described as “Quite possibly the laziest (man) in all of Los Angeles County, which would place him high in the running for laziest worldwide.” Please find below my challenge to that throne:
Mount Facial – 14,238’ - Lacking dark hair, I never shave on Fridays, figuring I can slip through the tail-end of the week unnoticed.
Mount Signee – 15,238’ - I frequently find myself signing documents “W.P. Bill,” easing the burden of “William P.” Conjoined to this is my wish that I was named “Don Ho.”
Mount Ironside – 16,238’ – Every dress shirt I own is worn twice before hitting the laundry heap, reducing my ironing load by a whopping fifty-percent!
Mount Pleasant – 17,234’ - I rarely XXXXXXXXXX, figuring, pleasurable though it is, I simply lack the energy.
Mount Drawerson – 18,788’ - I rarely close drawers and cabinets at home, figuring I’m just going to reopen them later.
Mount Soapy – 19,485’ – When showering, every now and then I simply let the soapy runoff water perform the task of “scrubbing” below my knees as opposed to my bending down and doing it myself.
Mount Billings – 22,485’ - I once went a year and a half tossing the receipts of paid bills onto my bedroom floor, letting them amass into an untidy pile.
Mount Dusty – 23,877’ - I once went a year and a half (yes, the same period as above) without dusting my bedroom.
Mount Feline – 24,158’ – I once let my cat Isabella give me a bath. (OK, I’m joking; that never happened.)
Mount Revenue – 24,587’ – Despite doing the aptly-named EZ income tax form, and having duly aced second grade math, SOMEHOW for the past six years or so, the IRS has written me back each time informing me that I owe them more money. Rather than look into the matter, I simply whip out the checkbook.
Mount Sudsy – 24,889’ - I have never in my adult life not let the dirty dishes soak for at least half an hour.
Mount Checkoffski – 26,723’ - I have never in my adult life balanced my checkbook.
And my personal Mount Olympus – 28,385’ – I have never in my adult life made my bed.
Take that, Dude…
BILL
Mount Facial – 14,238’ - Lacking dark hair, I never shave on Fridays, figuring I can slip through the tail-end of the week unnoticed.
Mount Signee – 15,238’ - I frequently find myself signing documents “W.P. Bill,” easing the burden of “William P.” Conjoined to this is my wish that I was named “Don Ho.”
Mount Ironside – 16,238’ – Every dress shirt I own is worn twice before hitting the laundry heap, reducing my ironing load by a whopping fifty-percent!
Mount Pleasant – 17,234’ - I rarely XXXXXXXXXX, figuring, pleasurable though it is, I simply lack the energy.
Mount Drawerson – 18,788’ - I rarely close drawers and cabinets at home, figuring I’m just going to reopen them later.
Mount Soapy – 19,485’ – When showering, every now and then I simply let the soapy runoff water perform the task of “scrubbing” below my knees as opposed to my bending down and doing it myself.
Mount Billings – 22,485’ - I once went a year and a half tossing the receipts of paid bills onto my bedroom floor, letting them amass into an untidy pile.
Mount Dusty – 23,877’ - I once went a year and a half (yes, the same period as above) without dusting my bedroom.
Mount Feline – 24,158’ – I once let my cat Isabella give me a bath. (OK, I’m joking; that never happened.)
Mount Revenue – 24,587’ – Despite doing the aptly-named EZ income tax form, and having duly aced second grade math, SOMEHOW for the past six years or so, the IRS has written me back each time informing me that I owe them more money. Rather than look into the matter, I simply whip out the checkbook.
Mount Sudsy – 24,889’ - I have never in my adult life not let the dirty dishes soak for at least half an hour.
Mount Checkoffski – 26,723’ - I have never in my adult life balanced my checkbook.
And my personal Mount Olympus – 28,385’ – I have never in my adult life made my bed.
Take that, Dude…
BILL
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I Am Not a Crook
I can state categorically that I will never be arrested for insider trading, for I am all but certain that to engage in such an act, I would probably – somewhere along the line - have to fill out at least one form.
BILL
BILL
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
At my last job...
… I called our corporate whistleblower line to complain that the guy in the cubicle next to me was blowing his whistle. Sadly, I was fired that day from The Referee Association of America.
BILL
BILL
Monday, March 9, 2009
One Thumb Down
Saturday Night Fever was the favorite movie of the late film critic Gene Sisel, who claimed to have seen it 17 times.
(Writer’s Embellishment: Oddly, however, Siskel also claimed to have absolutely detested the film on his 14th viewing.)
BILL
(Writer’s Embellishment: Oddly, however, Siskel also claimed to have absolutely detested the film on his 14th viewing.)
BILL
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
When The Next Great Scandal Hits (10 Years Down The Line)
And somebody says, “Don’t worry; some enterprising young reporter will fish out the truth.” With no newspapers left, who is going to be that enterprising young reporter?
And don’t say TV, because not only will they be too busy covering Britney’s little sister, but the “60 Minutes” cast will all be dead.
BILL
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